bored? Try these fun things.

I wrote half of this last nite while black out drunk and hardly remember any of it. Good times.

Things to try while waiting for the metrorail

Find homeless looking people and then bet them $300 that they can’t piss on the third rail while still standing on the platform. Use counterfeit bills.

Locate two payphones close to each other so that the handsets can be placed receiver to earpiece, dial the same 1-800 number on each phone and chuckle with mirth as call center employees answer each other.

Ask everyone in sight "when is the bus getting here?" when some genius says that it's called a train say "nuh-uh, a train is when you fuck 5 people" very loudly.

Go to the pay phone again, this time dial 1-800-COLLECT, when asked for your name say Harry Balzac, Dick Fitzwell, etc... Enter a random number using the 808 area code, this is in Hawaii. If someone actually accepts the charges, call them a moron and hang up. Or turn to a stranger and say, "it's for you".

Sit on the bench next to several people who are waiting for the train, when they get up to enter the train car that has arrived stay where you are remaining perfectly still while staring at the ceiling. As soon as the doors closing tones chime blindly attempt to leap onto the train, if you’re lucky the doors will close on your midsection in mid air, scream loudly about the vicious “man trap” in which you have become ensnared.

Ask the station manager if he knows where to buy cocaine.

Metro train drivers often look out the window down the length of the train to determine if everyone has boarded. Wait for this right next to that window as close as possible without being seen. When they stick their head out, yell BOOGIE-BOOGIE-BOOLHA YAHAHA as loudly as possible all up in their face. This will freak them out a great deal.

Stuff a backpack with several liquor bottles, different mixers and a couple of martini glasses. Carry a large cardboard box at least waist high, have a collapsible stool on hand and a table cloth for the box. Set up a bar and start selling drinks but charge outrageous prices like $16 for a gin and tonic. If anyone has the gall to complain about the prices tell them they can take their business elsewhere. Where else are they going to go?

Write the words “metro card $5” on the back of an old 7-11 receipt using either crayons or lipstick. Offer to sell it for ONLY THREE DOLLARS to people using the fare card machines. Loudly berate their stupidity for passing up such an obvious bargain.

Do all the above while wearing a fine tuxedo. Anything is possible when you are wearing a tuxedo.